Yakuza is a wacky series. Despite focusing on the criminal underworld, these Sega games are bursting with the offbeat humor found in many facets of Japanese entertainment. One of the biggest examples in this area Yakuza Kiwami 2, a remake of Yakuza 2.
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Not only is the main narrative as quirky as fans would expect, but the numerous side quests (or Substories) in this title rank among the weirdest in the series. Anyone who's played a Yakuza entry knows that's saying a lot. When recounting the grand saga of protagonist Kazuma Kiryu, most of the tale will consist of the ridiculous tasks he gets up to in his spare time.
10 Rags To Riches
Sometimes, being a delivery boy pays off. In this side story, a wannabe hip hop artist gifts Kiryu one of his demo CDs. The Dragon of Dojima doesn't know what to do with the disc, but he eventually meets an old man willing to take it off his hands. He, in turn, gives Kiryu a Slick Fountain Pen.
The cycle continues like this for several exchanges. By the end, Kiryu has himself a snazzy Swiss Watch. If all useless junk led to such rich rewards, the series might have a few more plot holes on its hands.
9 The Man Who Can't Sing
Apparently, those frequenting the Cabaret Grand are enormous snobs. Outside this popular club stands a street performer, while a heckler constantly berates him for his music. Rather than simply walk away, the guy gets right in the singer's face and perpetually lambasts him. Someone's got a little time on his hands.
After Kiryu beats up this pathetic excuse for a bully, the musician is exceedingly grateful. He even promises to play a tribute song for his savior if he sees him again. It feels good to help the little guy, especially since he sings better than any Yakuza character.
8 Lend A Claw
Upon entering Club Sega in Sotenbori, Kiryu meets a guy requesting his help with one of the local claw machines. He wants to win a prize for his girlfriend. Kiryu obliges, but it turns out that he keeps winning the wrong toy.
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After a few attempts to woo her with trinkets, the guy reveals that she left him. The tale does have a silver lining, though, as a group of pretty onlookers are impressed by the seemingly unparalleled claw skills of this poor soul. It's hard to know which is sadder: the fact that the guy thought this would work, or the idea that he's somehow better off for wasting so much time on these rigged clunkers.
7 A Whirlwind Dirt Tour
For this little aside, Kazu-chan goes from yakuza to tour guide. Eating at the Kanrai restaurant puts the protagonist in contact with Il Yu-Jin, who claims to be a famous Korean pop singer. He wants to take in the sights of Kamurocho, and nominates Kiryu as his guide. He'd have been better off asking Ichiban, but Kiryu's all he's got.
It's farcical enough that players have to escort this guy past his ravenous fans, but some of the places he wants to go are just as random as one would expect from a Yakuza title. This quest is actually part of a chain, which takes the pair to a nightclub, a drag bar, and a ramen restaurant. Who knows what impression this leaves on Kamurocho's tourism business?
6 We're All In This Together
Weep for the future in this side quest. A group of Kamurocho students are having trouble finding steady work, and eventually decide to go in for a joint job interview. They must not want the position too much, since one of them drops their Job Seeker's Amulet.
Kiryu is nice enough to bring this item to the group, but this inadvertently makes him the stand-in for its absent member. Players must now answer a series of questions to complete the quest. That's right, a seasoned mobster must sit through a mundane job interview with a bunch of Young Turks. The effort might have been worth it if it allowed Kiryu to use one of the job roles from Yakuza: Like a Dragon. Alas, no.
5 Living The American Dream
Nothing like the good-old US of A. A chance encounter at the Yoshida Batting Center leads Kiryu into a competition with an American baseball player. It turns out this is Bob "Dandy" Johnson (possibly related to Miracle Johnson from Yakuza 0), and he challenges Kazu-chan to hit five home runs from his ten pitches.
Succeeding grants the protagonist an autographed baseball, clearly a treasure he's always wanted. It's only afterwards that Kiryu learns that Dandy's wife is actually the team's batting coach. As a reward, she imparts her knowledge onto players in the form of a new weapon skill.
4 Welcome To The Modern Age
In keeping with the theme of gift-giving, Makoto Date wants a modem for his daughter in this side story so that she can have faster internet speed. A street salesman claims to have the best modem around for free, but Date volunteers Kiryu to try it first. Sadly, nothing is free.
Since he was dumb enough to give his phone number and email, Kiryu is soon bombarded with messages about the dozens of fees he'll incur as part of the contract. It's the equivalent of one of those annoying online ads that say, "You've just won a million dollars." On the upside, at least the people behind those scams don't send thugs to enforce their swindling schemes. Sadly, it's not the last time Kiryu falls victim to this newfangled tech.
3 Operation Panty Bait
Some victims get whacked in an alley, and others get their panties stolen. That's right, a perverted crook is going around pilfering panties for some unknown purpose. After dating Koyuki three times, Kiryu has a chance to catch this elusive thief.
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The plan involves setting bait on a Sotenbori bench. When a random businessman finally picks up the panties, he defensively denies any wrongdoing. Smacking some sense into him will conclude the quest and end the extensive manhunt. Thus, peace is restored to women's drawers.
2 In The Name Of Art
A Sotenbori stroll soon turns into a flattering proposition. A man named Mizuno wants Kiryu to pose as a male model, as he seems to have enough "meat on his bones." Players then meet the photoshoot's director: a 'roided-out cueball in a speedo. Confronted by this sight, Kiryu naturally tries to leave.
Those who stick around can make the stoic warrior strike all manner of flamboyant poses. The whole episode gives off the same odd vibes as the gym in Final Fantasy VII Remake. It's not the first or last time the Dragon of Dojima embarrasses himself, but at least he gets to beat up the two guys and earns a new cell phone for his troubles.
1 Be My Baby
What starts as a congratulatory visit to a club quickly spirals into something sinister. Upon entering, Kiryu meets a scantily-clad woman who asks how he wants to be fed. He promptly backs away, revealing an entire building full of grown men being treated like babies by their "mommies."
It's a well-rehearsed routine for this establishment, but that doesn't make it any less shocking. Even in the pantheon of sexual gimmicks, as well as the larger Yakuza series, this is just bizarre. "Be My Baby" is one of those video game moments where players wonder how the developers thought it up, and what exactly they were thinking at the time.