Archer has done some of the most idiotic things imaginable. Every single episode has a moment that could be included in this list. That is to be expected from a narcissistic raging alcoholic that shoots first and asks questions later. Sterling's mommy and daddy issues don't help either. It is obvious that Archer is completely detached from the real world, which he perceives to be a 1980s action film.
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It is imposible to highlight all of the dumb things Archer has done over the course of 11 seasons. This list will cover ten of the many dumb decisions Archer has made over the years. Each of them involve criminal activity, inebriation, delusion, and stupidity beyond belief.
Archer Tattoos The Wee Baby Seamus (S2 E3)
In an episode where Archer is conned into thinking he has a child with a lady of the night, even irrefutable evidence will not stop him from rearing the child. In yet another one of his alcohol induced half-witted moments, Archer actually gets his name tattooed on an infant child. For good measure, Sterling gets Seamus' name tattooed on his back.
His reasoning is that "It's like we've got each other's backs". Archer commits child abuse and endangerment to prove his bond with the wee baby, one of the dumbest things he has ever done, and that is saying something.
Situational Awareness (S1 E2)
While preaching to Lana and Cyril about situational awareness, Archer somehow loses sight of Cyril who then gets kidnapped. Archer doesn’t really practice what he preaches. With Cryil gone, Archer appears to be looking for something in the jungle trees.
Lana figures out that Sterling is looking for one of the predators from the Predator series. This is another example of Archer’s obsession with 70s and 80s action movies leading him astray. Always remember to practice situational awareness. Lana says that the predator is invisible, but Archer insists he has a “telltale shimmer”.
Terms Of Enrampagement (S2 E9)
After being diagnosed with cancer, Archer decides it is a good time to take down the Irish Mob for giving an old lady named Ruth fake chemotherapy meds. Let's just say he goes a bit overboard, killing every member of the Irish mob until he reaches the leader at the top.
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Sterling replaces his usual substance of choice with one that is medically approved to help with nausea. By the end of the episode, Archer is taking his chemo while gunning down mobsters. The best part is the compilation at the end.
Pipeline Fever (S2 E4)
Not only does Archer blow their cover on the flight to New Orleans, he makes a series of dim witted mistakes that leave him and Lana stranded in the Bayou. Obviously they have to take an airboat because "It's like Burt Reynolds in Gator". Naturally, Archer overheats the boat and they are stuck in the middle of the swamp.
To make matters worse Archer fills their cooler with beer and instead of putting ice in it, he uses dry ice. Ironically, they are attacked by an actual Gator that sinks the boat. At least they made it to the pipeline with a charcoal grill.
Archer Gets a Piercing And Spends $100,000 (S6 E2)
In typical fashion, Archer goes on a South Asian bender after he finds out Lana used his sperm to get pregnant. From the look of it, Archer should have gotten a penicillin shot as soon as he left. At some point, Archer got his ear pierced and it looks to be infected.
When he awakes, there are two prostitutes in the shower. Their going rate is $100,000. Based on the look Archer gives, they were not genetically female. It was a rude awakening for Archer at the start of Season 6.
Barry And Katya
It is impossible to nail down one moment, but Sterling messed up when he shot and verbally abused Barry dozens of times. Then, Archer decides to steal Barry's girlfriend Katya who has an untimely demise. Both Barry and Katya come back as cyborgs and things get complicated.
Barry has a vengeance against Archer, meanwhile Archer falls in love with the robot version of Katya. All terrible decisions that lead to a lot of collateral damage.
Archer Risks His Life For A Kenny Loggins Cameo (S5 E6)
Archer fanboys for Kenny Loggins and ends up getting tasered twice. Because Kenny ignored Archer and signed his suit, Sterling sought payback by tracking the classic rock artist down. His brilliant disguise doesn’t fool the henchman and Archer gets beat up by “Klog” himself.
Archer then finds himself in a shootout with Kenny Loggins and Pam shoots a bullet through the glass pool. Archer then clings to the edge of the pool to save Kenny Loggins. As payment, Kenny plays at the baby shower.
Solving Budget Problems (S5 E4-5)
Isis is in serious financial trouble at the start of Season 5. The solution is to sell the hundreds of pounds of cocaine ISIS got it's hands on. Archer ends up selling 20 pounds of it for a total of $1 million of counterfeit bills. His genius proposition was to use counterfeit bills to buy a pack of gum with each $100 bill.
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It is not until Cyril points out it would take 10,000 visits to the gas station that Archer bails on the plan. Sterling’s $1 million blunder is just the beginning. He and Pam end up transporting the remaining 50 pounds across the United States. They also can’t seem to keep Pam from eating all of the product. .
Archer Becomes A Pirate King (S3)
To grieve the loss of Katya, Archer travels to an island in the South Pacific and has a months-long siesta. Plans to retrieve Archer are thwarted when he intentionally crashes the plane and ends up stranded in the Pacific Ocean. Archer alerts pirates roaming the ocean to their life raft, and they are taken prisoner by the pirates. It becomes apparent that Archer thinks pirates are fictional "like cowboys and indians”.
Next, Archer becomes the pirate king after gunning down the existing king on the pirate vessel. Archer’s indulgence and abuse lead to a coup led by Bucktooth. In the end, Archer goes from being the king to a prisoner and needs Lana’s help to escape.
Archer Loves Baboo (S2 E10)
Baboo makes his first appearance in Season 2 when Malory and Lana find out that Cheryl/Carol is actually a billionaire. For some reason she decides to buy an Ocelot, which Archer thinks is akin to a house cat. Baboo instantly attacks Archer, ruining his suit and leaving him with lacerations all over his body. In the episode, Pam is taken prisoner, and instead of looking for her, Archer searches for Baboo who is also on the train. To find Baboo, Archer carries a huge steak to each car in the train, even asking someone in the restroom if they have seen an Ocelot. The best part of the episode is when Archer finds Baboo.
- Archer: “Lanaaaaa!!!”
- Lana: “What!?”
- Archer: He remembers me!
Later in the episode, Archer saves Baboo from falling off the train. Baboo responds by mauling Archer again. Even after all of that, Archer still sits next to Baboo in the car and Baboo pees all over him.